#donotbeafakefriend

I recently posted a FaceBook status that reads:

“It’s interesting when you realize just how many people you talked to/were friends with when you were younger that decided you were just another face in the crowd they could forget and now they have to interact with you. It always makes for some nice awkward encounters. Word to the wise? Maybe be a genuine friend or just don’t invest time in people. This way it won’t be awkward in the future. ‪#‎donotbeafakefriend‬

This is a good lesson for anyone to learn, but I am about to focus mainly on my faith. If no one knew this, I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. With this comes a lot of close-knit community ties. We have a tighter community than most other religions. Especially with the fact that we don’t necessarily “choose” where we go to church, but rather go to a specific building based on where we live. Not only is it the building that an area is assigned to, but different sections of the area go to the church building at a specific time.

In Utah, this topic may not be a thing seeing as there truly is a church on almost every corner, but in Texas, this is absolutely a real occurrence. Especially when you reach cities that are even slightly more city than suburb. Even 45 minutes away from a major city deals with the tiny close-knit community that Mormons/LDS members are known for.

However, it’s not even home wards that we are dealing with here, it’s YSA’s (Young Single Adult wards and branches). If you thought the way we did Sunday services was strange, you’re gonna get a real kick out of this one. Outside of Utah and Idaho, we don’t really have multiple YSA’s for each stake. We, more than likely, have one.

And this brings me back to my main point. Do not be a fake friend.

When we are younger, we have the chance to meet people in our area and age group in the church at various activities and we 0ften become friends with many people this way. The only caveat here is that many young members of the church will simply tolerate people that they wouldn’t want to be friends with outside of these activities. Thus, when college hits everyone goes their separate ways, UNLESS they continue to live in the same city that they grew up in.

This is because they now begin going to the YSA branch/ward in their area and now have to encounter those people again on a regular occurrence–even more than they had before as children.

This is not an issue for everyone, but this can be one for many because they have chosen to ignore those they “befriended” as young children because they, at the time or later, thought they were “too churchy”, “too weird”, “not cool enough”, or even “merely tolerable”. (This list doesn’t end. People have endless reasons for dropping someone and ignoring them completely–This isn’t only in the LDS community. It happens with EVERYONE.)

What drove me to write about this is that I now have an assignment where I have to interact with one of these “friends” from my childhood each month who I suppose was never truly a friend. It wouldn’t be weird if the person in question hadn’t continually ignored me as an adult and pretended like I didn’t exist. However, because they did this it will make interacting with them that much more awkward. I had made the effort to reach out to them as I was at school and such and they, countless times, ignored me.

Y’all may be thinking “oh she’s just butthurt that this happened to her…”, “she shouldn’t have tried…”, “only she would be affected by this…”, “it’s all in her head…”, “this isn’t really happpening to her…” but all of those phrases are so far from the truth.

If the person in question hadn’t been friends with me when we were young children there would be no issue and this would be another instance where I get to meet a new person, but because I’ve known them for over 15 years, have known what they went through, and have seen how far they’ve come without them even thinking that I might be a friend, this is going to be awkward. And it probably won’t be awkward just for me.

I can guarantee you that the second they realize that I was one of the people they knew as a child whom they often spent time with they will feel the awkwardness.

This is not a post where I am asking you to pity me or help me wallow in my sorrow, but this is a post where I am asking you to please, PLEASE, please be genuine. I cannot express how much I hope everyone takes this and decides to be a genuine individual and friend. It is hard to realize how important it is when we are young, but as we grow older we need to recognize that nobody has time for fake friends. Nobody has time to be fake. No one has time to even think about being fake. Genuine is where it’s at. This is the only type of friend ANYONE should be. And the only type of friend that I intend to be. I will interact with this person just as I would with any of my close friends. I will continue to love them and reach out to them, no matter what because I truly care about them and I hope, more than anything, that I can make a difference in their life.

 

These are my thoughts on this topic, I hope y’all have thoughts to share with me as well because I love to hear stories and comments from people.

Fare thee well!!

Karen Alyse

Letter to you, even though you may never read it…

To whom it may concern,

There are many things I once thought about you.

I often found myself wondering, “How could I have been chosen?” or “How come you aren’t better friends with other people?”

However, after almost 3 years of this “friendship” I am finally seeing it in the light. Whatever it was, we weren’t friends. You used me — abused me.

You s m i l e d, teased, flirted and yet you didn’t care for me. I was only a means to an end. Used for who I am. Used for my innocence. Used because I was trusting.

You were my friend. The one I turned to when I realized I had no one else. The one who was there for me even though I was probably a very difficult person to deal with.

I can’t help but feel like you truly loved me at least at one point.

I feel it in my soul. You did. You just might not admit it because that would be a weakness.

A weakness that you would feel would destroy your impenetrable shell.

Once you told me we would be best friends for ever – not in the cheesy way, but in the literal way.

There was nothing that could break our friendship, except perhaps…. you.

We talked constantly. We knew each other so painfully well that it truly is painful to have to forget all that.

But whatever our past was before those two years came upon us, it doesn’t matter. Because you obviously think it doesn’t count.

Yes, I loved you.

Yes, you were my best friend.

Yes, I was going to miss you when you left.

All of these things are true, but none of them were good reasons for what you did to me.

I wrote to you. I wrote letters that traveled to you by snail-mail. I wrote emails that traveled through cyberspace. I poured my heart and soul into our friendship. I anticipated hearing about how you were doing and being able to know that you were alright.

I missed you. Painfully. My heart literally hurt from how rarely we got to talk to each other.

And then you, out of the blue, cut me off. You barely gave a reason. You said we should “quit this cold turkey”, but what exactly were we quitting? Our friendship? At this point we had about 2 years to go off of. Yes I still loved you, but honestly? I’m never going to stop loving you. It’s kinda difficult to stop loving your first love.

“quit this cold turkey”

The moment you said that, the instant you did, the tears began to fall. I couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t handle losing another close friend. Do you even realize how many friends I have lost via the same methods?

Too. Many. To. Count.

But not many of them quite as close to me as you once were.

I broke down. I was defeated – crushed. I bawled. Tears streamed down my face in public. After reading those words, I couldn’t help it. Victory was yours to claim and boy did you claim it. Not only did you say we should quite this cold turkey, but you forbade me from contacting you. You told me not to contact you until you had returned, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to go that long without contacting you.

I waited. A few months. I waited for three months. Then I sent you an email.

I updated you on my life like nothing had happened, however I put a disclaimer in the email stating that you didn’t have to respond – and sometimes I wish you hadn’t.

You emailed me back, you assured me that nothing had changed – that we were still friends, but really you were planning your attack.

I periodically emailed you with updates, telling you how my life is going, asking about yours and you would play along.

“Played” being the key word.

You faked everything. Is there even anything I might be able to give you the benefit of the doubt on? I don’t believe so.

I was having a hard time with my breakup and then going to college, did you truly care? No. You didn’t really even try. You said sorry and went on your merry way.

It came time for those 2 years to be up, I was excited. I would get to talk to you again. Maybe even have a phone call with you. But instead of contacting me, you contacted countless others who obviously were more important than me.

“one of the six girls I know that I would date” and yet you didn’t contact me. I think that was a lie. I call bull.

I had to message you. So I did. I said, “Hey”

You responded enthusiastically so I went on. I asked you how the past two years had been and you gave me one word — okay so you were not so enthusiastic on this response.

I shrugged it off.

I asked if you would like to try to hang out, and it all goes downhill from here.

You told me no. You made pitiful excuses.

“We’ll I’m not sure if I’ll have time. Holiday season and such.”

Really?! Anyone with a blind eye can see that this isn’t a solid reason.

And you say you’d like to hang out, but then you say that “cutting ties” is the best thing we can do right now.

Even when you found out that I’ll be in town longer than just the holiday season, you STILL said no. Was there anything I could have done or said that would have influenced you to say yes to me? Most likely not. You made up your mind the first time we met each other that summer of 2011 and yet you played me. Friends for 3 years and yet you hurt me to the point where my heart will always have a painful reminder of what you did to me.

You once told me this: “Don’t worry, I’m just holding your heart until the next guy comes.”

But you didn’t just hold it. You stomped on it. You ripped it up into little pieces. You trashed it. You threw it away. You ignored it.

Hold it? I think not.

There is very little you held on to. The moment you could, you dropped it. But not because it was hot, oh no. You dropped it because you were afraid of the truth. You were afraid that my feelings were actually real. You were terrified of having something real. And that is where our story ends. The last words you will send – not even speak – to me are “Thanks Karen.” No emotion or anything. Just that unfeeling, senseless, two words.

But never fear. Though I will still love you, I won’t be able to think of you in a good light again. The funny thing is that when I first started talking to you and we first became really good friends, my best friend tried to tell me you weren’t real – that you were a fake. A tool. A jerk. But did I listen? Obviously not. I thought the best of you, even when I shouldn’t have. But no worries, because I will not make that mistake again.

Whatever merits you may have had, will not work on me again. Nor will I try to contact you again. We had a friendship built on lies, just as I once had a relationship built on lies. I refuse to deal with lies any longer. You have ruined any and all possibilities for having me as a friend in your future, but that’s okay. I just assume you don’t actually want friends. You just want people that you can play until they’re broken and not fix them. You’ll leave them on the floor for other people to step on and use to their advantage with no regard for the individual. But it’s okay. Make no mistake, I definitely will be remembering all that has occurred. You do not and will not ever again have a clean slate in my book. Your page is filled with warnings and I pity anyone who falls into your trap, not you. It is them who should be warned to look out for you and your slimy little underhanded choices.

But that isn’t my job. I don’t have to worry about them. I just need to worry about fixing myself and in time, I may be able to look back at all we had and not cry – but that is not this time. I wonder when that may be, but it could be years before I can successfully not cry about you. But if I cry it isn’t because I lost you – it is because I know you lost sight of who you were and therefore harmed anyone who was in your little bubble.

You are filled with empty words and broken promises, I just hope you learn that these are your mistakes and that you work to the best of your ability to resolve them. Mend yourself. You are in no position to try to be with others in any sense of being with them – friends, neighbors, lovers, family, etc.

Check yourself, dearheart, before you wreck yourself for even more people.

Fare thee well!!

Karen Alyse

Demons

There she is,

I hesitate.

She sits there – uncomfortable, self conscious,

and hating the world.

~

Does she realize how much she has?

Does she realize how she has everything I ever wanted?

How could she hate the world, then?

What did he do to her?

~

Oh, right – he gave her an amazing life:

Friends who love her no matter what,

A family that cares and wants the best for her,

And a guy that doesn’t take her for granted.

~

A life that any girl would be grateful for –

A life full of love, a life shared with others,

A life that anyone else would want –

But not her.

~

No – her true wishes are for it all to stop.

All of it – the despair, the depression, the delusion.

None of those things mean anything

If she can’t experience them fully.

~

The inhibitors in her life are brutal:

They beat her, curse her, push her down –

They repeat this day after day after day.

The pain, the hurt, the remorse, the guilt –

bearing down on her, threatening her, damaging her.

~

One day it may become too much,

One day she may not get back up.

And when that day comes, she will need us –

Each of us, no matter where we are.

~

We must be there for her,

We must show her we care.

We must battle her demons with her,

Prove to her that she can beat it.

~

For as we battle her demons, we will battle our own

And learn for ourselves exactly what must be known.

That love conquers all, even replaces it too;

And this is what we must learn how to do.

~

I stood there thinking all this through

And then walked across the room.

“May I sit here?” I asked

And she looked up at me and smiled, “Of course you may.”

~

Her smile lifted my spirits and my heart fluttered,

It was like seeing the sun after a year of storms.

The moment she smiled I thought to myself

“Perhaps she has defeated her demons yet.”

~~~~

Fare thee well!!

Karen Alyse

The Void

The void –

That blank, empty space that cannot be filled,

No matter how hard we try.

~

The thoughts –

Those ideas we cannot seem to dismiss,

No matter how hard we endeavor.

~

The actions –

Those behaviors that make us who we are,

No matter what others tell us.

~

The person –

Who we are: not only in the dark, but also in the light;

Not who the world thinks we should be, but who we truly are.

~

This all contributes to the world as we know it,

But do we truly know ourselves?

Without this self-knowledge,

The world would fail to have meaning.

~

For through us the world cultivates a meaning of its own.

~~~~

Fare thee well!

Karen Alyse

The Hurt (Mad World) – [True Story]

Mad World – Donnie Darko

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I thought we were more than just friends,

I thought I was more than a means to an end.

But then I thought you were almost mine,

When you stole my heart and left broken pieces behind.

~

Whatever let me think that we had a chance?

Whatever helped me see past your second glance?

It wasn’t me. It wasn’t me.

It was the person I wanted to be.

~

The world continued spinning,

Like nothing had ever mattered,

Your life continued enduring,

But mine? Mine was shattered.

~

Did I even have a shot at romance?

Looking back, I know there was no chance.

But what could have stopped me from hoping?

Only the knowledge of the betrayal coming.

~

Do you know what you did to me?

When you said that you cared?

When you said you would be there?

You promised me. You promised me.

But then you disappeared.

~

“I love you, too” you said,

“But as a friend”.

My world stopped,

My eyes glossed.

~

The tears began to fall,

The dark was a cover from all.

The movie was about “happyness”,

But where was the happy?

~

A few more times that day I almost broke outside,

I was broken inside and kept it hidden.

The idea that someone might see my pain,

That gave me more pain than I could bear.

~

The question of “what’s wrong?” would not be asked,

The idea that people might see my weakness scared me.

I settled for hiding, for fighting my tears,

Fighting my real emotions, fighting the fears.

~

They would not see it today,

No, not on a day that was supposed to be so good.

The beginning of a new month,

The beginning of the hurt.

~

The world wouldn’t see it,

They couldn’t understand.

I’ve hidden it away,

Until I actually understand.

~

I cannot fathom it right now,

But as my days go on I will.

One day him pushing me away,

Will be the best thing he did for me.

~

One day I may even thank him for it,

But not today, this day of all days.

No, not today;

Not now anyway.

~

This wasn’t what I wanted,

But it was what I got.

The world may be cruel,

But this is probably worthwhile.

~

I may not stop loving him,

But my life will go on.

He will still be my bestfriend,

Even if he doesn’t want me as his.

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Fare thee well!

Karen Alyse